Insight into the older child’s life

The four pillars for parents of teenagers

Establish a few clear, straightforward rules. Example:  You get the phone numbers of the people your child will spend time with, and the child needs to be home at 20 during weekdays and at 22 in the weekends.

The rules must be followed up consistently. The child should be praised and encouraged when they follow the rules. When they don’t follow the rules, it should be clearly pointed out and lead to appropriate consequences.

Let your child know that you have established these rules because you care about them and their safety. Make sure that your child is where they say they are. By checking on them, the child will learn responsibility and to take your rules seriously.

Tip: Make sure you get all the information about the parties and events your child will attend, for instance if there are adults present that can make sure everything is safe. 

Having regular contact with other parents and school staff gives you a heads-up in case there are any problems. Good communication with other adults in your child’s life contributes to:

• Having insight into your child’s activities
• Creating a strong and secure network around your child
• Being informed about dangerous places and people
• Having more adults who can help each other manage problems

Dare to have a role in your child's life

Children and young people are easily influenced by their experiences and the people they meet. You play an important role as a parent and should therefore also talk about difficult or sensitive issues with your child.

• Help your child understand their feelings.
• Listen and talk with your child when they get new ideas.
• Take responsibility for informing them about sex, drugs, alcohol, and the risks on the internet and social media.
• Share your values and beliefs. It gives your child a foundation to build on.

• Know your child’s schedule.
• Call your child.
• Make sure the child calls you or some other adult when they have come home.
• Tell your child that you want them to call you when they have arrived to practice or their friend’s house.
• Have contact with other adults in your child’s life.

Children do not always make the best choices when it comes to making friends. Help them to see what qualities they should value in a friend:

• Friendly
• Honest
• Thoughtful
• Takes school seriously
• Does not use drugs or alcohol

• Play games/outdoor activities.
• Talk about your family.
• Bring your child with you to social/cultural events.
• Let your child bring friends to family activities.
• Encourage your child's interests (painting, music, cooking...) and find a club or organization where they can spend time on those interests in their free time.

Talk even more with your child if you notice warning signs

You should talk more with your child if you feel that they are changing and some of the following occurs. Feel free to use the advice in the section Good communication.

• The child lies and is avoidant
• The child spends time with friends you are not familiar with
• The child develops a new way of speaking and a negative attitude
• School work is suffering

Parents discovering warning signals may often trigger emotions. It may be wise to first deal with your own emotions so you will be able to speak with your child in a good and calm manner. The CALM guidelines may be of use here. It is not about procrastinating dealing with the worry, but rather about planning in order to have a good discussion that does not end up in conflict.

The advice on this page for parents may reduce the risk of conflicts and problematic behaviors. But it’s not always possible to prevent unwanted behavior entirely. Sometimes limits need to be set, for example when a child is hanging out with friends who break norms and rules, use alcohol and drugs, stay out late at night without checking in or skip school.

Children testing boundaries is a natural part of growing up, but it often becomes a challenge for parents.  Our immediate reactions may stem from fear for our children's safety, or anger at their disobedience. Think about how you usually handle situations when your child is testing their boundaries. Are you sure your child understands your rules and expectations? Have you been consistent in following up when boundaries have been crossed? Use the SANE guidelines for setting proper boundaries, which will help you avoid emotional reactions in the heat of the moment:

Film examples – when emotions take over

Here are some film examples of both dos and don’ts for responding when you discover problems in your child’s life.

Setting boundaries is difficult and you may sometimes need to talk to someone outside the family. Visit the page More help and support for advice on where to turn.

• Observe and do not react immediately – it might just pass
• Have patience
• Keep the communication alive
• Find common interests with your child
• Get to know your child's friends
• Pay attention to your child when they are with their friends
• Talk to the parents of your child's friends
• Spend time talking and listening to your child